After my last post, the heavy bubble of needing a long cry all week seemed to just explode, and I couldn’t stop.
Speaking of which, thank you so so much for your love and support after my last post, I’m Not Hiding The Sadness…
I wrote the first post after 5 days of feeling like absolute shite. Writing the post helped me massively, I woke up the next day feeling so much better and was convinced I was ‘myself’ again but a phase of crying for no apparent reason started around midday and kept coming and going for a few hours after.
I woke up then the next day. once again convinced I was completely OK, only to have that hope messed up in the afternoon again,which in the end was a good thing as it led me back to my art. Which soothed me for 2 hours to follow.
A peek into my journal
I’m happy to report that on Wednesday, just a couple of days ago, I saw the light again! I’ve remembered who I am and my depressive thoughts and anxious worries and doubts have faded dramatically compared to the last 10 days. I spent most of today laughing with Ruairi and once again was able to notice the amazing things around me, which felt dramatically non-existent for the last ten days up until now.
I’ve been dealing with this for years, since before I can remember. Although I wasn’t consciously aware of it until a few years ago. It’s a part of me that’s always been there, a part of myself that I struggle with but also accept wholeheartedly.
I wrote this post on instagram yesterday, pointing out that I was born sensitive, and although it may seem to bring many negatives, it has also been the base for so many positives in my life. Over-thinking and over-feeling has been the very two traits that have propelled me forward in my life, and for example in my career it has enabled me to reach and connect with so many of you daily. Anyways, go have a quick read if you have a chance!
I promised that I would follow up with another post letting you in on how I deal with those bad days or weeks, so let’s get to it!
It’s nice to remember that life will always be hard but it will also always be beautiful, it just depends on how you look at it, every single day. The world, every single day, has a lot of sadness that we can focus on (just watch the 6pm news!) but it also has a lot of beauty that we could focus on instead. For example, there’s a sunrise everyday. Watching that may bring a moment of gratitude and a spark of light after a night of darkness and/or sadness. Keep adding in more sparks similar to the sunrise’s and you’ll find yourself being a whole lot happier and at peace. Shaping up your perspective like this is what will change your life.
Allow the bad days and weeks to happen
because they will regardless whether you allow them or not! Please don’t let shame take over; “I shouldn’t…”, adding shame to your already upset mind-frame, will just intensify the shitty feelings! However, I’m here to tell you that this is all easier said than done at times. People seem to see me as a happy, positive and optimistic person, which is true for most of the time but as I explained in my last post, I’m a human too, a deep thinker, a sensitive soul, things have happened in my past and I worry about the future, and so of course dark days definitely take over from time to time. I allow those days though and try and ignore the angry or guilty “shoulds, woulds, coulds” and just get myself through them the best I can.
“Tranquility is already inside you, you’ve just got to find it again”
I’ll talk you through the actions I took over the last week that helped soothe my tension and bring me back to my ‘usual self’.
Remember, you’re going to have different hobbies to me, it’s important to find what brings you back to your own peaceful self. Where you can find yourself again. When we go through these slumps, we forget who we are, and it’s terrifying in the moment. What if this is actually who I am?
I treated myself to some new journals, paints and other arty bits and spent a lot of time just being messy and creative. Above, you’ll see a little peak into my journal. I can’t explain the peace I feel when I just sit with my art, but hours could pass and I wouldn’t move. That is exactly the kind of feeling you want to gravitate towards when feeling in a slump. Find the thing that makes you feel the way messy art makes me feel.
Ok so I rediscovered my love for yoga just a couple of weeks ago BUT this actually didn’t work for me at all yesterday when my head was up my arse, I couldn’t relax into it at all and ended up more frustrated. Although the act of getting up and walking to a place I usually love, helped me hugely and got me excited for when I feel better and will once again enjoy this place!
Being Alone –
Come here, go away, gimme a hug, go away, come back again, go away! sound familiar?
One minute you want a hug and the next you want to be alone.in the bath.for 2 hours. Hands up?! ME! It is so important to get used to spending time alone as well as in the company of others, whether it’s friends, your other half or your children. You need to get used to you first of all. Be able to sit alone with yourself. Go out for coffee with yourself. Read a book with yourself. Cry with yourself. While then also being able to do all of those things with others too. The secret is knowing which you need and when. Last week I felt like I needed Ru to be with me, but I also felt like a mess so part of me was glad he had to spend most of the week at his course. When he was there though? I was over and back like a yo-yo, needing solitude and then needing attention and care. That’s ok, so don’t feel guilty if you feel you need time with your own head, it’s healthy and something many people do not do enough. Get to know yourself first.
Ahhhh music! It can be so underestimated at times. The trick here is to not listen to music that feeds into your sadness even more, if you do truly want to feel more upbeat. So say buh-bye to Celine Dion and say hello to Tomorrowland! Listen to music that reminds you of your happiest and most free-ing state. That is the kind of music that will help you feel alive. There’s a time and place for all types of music, but for me, this works.
“The habit of giving freely without expecting anything in return”. What I didn’t realise though was how good I would feel after doing something for someone for no real reason, apart from an urge to do it. It’s personal so I won’t go deep into this, but I sent someone money who definitely can’t repay me, simply off the back of a message she sent me. There’s a difference in someone telling you their problems and hoping for a freebie, and a person that just opens up with genuine intentions, it was the latter I felt of her and so I did something to help her problem. I did not think I would get such a high from this, but I did. It reminded me of who I am and why I do what I do daily.Anything that reminds you of who you are, is worth doing. “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can,as long as you ever can” John Wesley.
I was a writer before I was ever anything else. My childhood was filled with storytelling, poetry and funnily enough song-writing,much of which I still have hidden away somewhere. (You would die if you read one of my ‘songs’ my 10 year old self wrote hahaha) Anyways, I always thought I would be a writer of some sort, and I guess I now am in ways, like writing this post! In fact, I almost forgot that I’m actually writing a real life BOOK at the moment, so I guess that dream has almost* come true. So yeah, taking a while to write down my feelings, privately and publicly, has always been very therapeutic for me and something I crave. Everyone’s a writer, you don’t need a special degree to write, simply write your thoughts, your dreams and your ideas. Your life is a story. Jot your daily thoughts on to paper and there you go, you’re writing. It’s amazing therapy, please try it!
I didn’t use the typical heavy metal gym workout as sweaty therapy though. All I wanted was to sweat, not necessarily move. So I found myself in the sauna multiple times and just laying there, sweating. This lifted my spirits, I felt like I was sweating out my shitty feelings, drop my drop, and boy did that feel good! I didn’t have the energy to kill a workout so this option made complete sense. My body craved a sweat, a lazy sweat, and this worked wonders!
All of the above may sound extremely simple, but when you’re feeling down-and-out, nothing is simple. Remembering what you love to do and doing just that is what breaks you out of these slumps. Listen to your body, listen to your mind. What is your body and mind telling you? What do you need? Trust your intuition and do what feels good for you, in an attempt to get back to your most joyful state again.
You are the engine of your own dreams. Nobody is going to come to you with your dreams in their hands. You’ve gotta work! But don’t beat yourself up or worry about what’s to come, allow the quiet days and the lazy days, just don’t let them take over your life.
Let shame out of your life. Stop pressing so heavily on your future. Let go of control. ‘Just be’ the way you are a little bit more.
There’s days for grafting and there’s days for resting, make sure you find a nice balance of both.
If you feel like your bad days have grown into weeks or months and you can’t see a way out, then please talk to someone before it develops into something more. And remember, your family and friends may not understand your mind and may also underestimate your feelings, simply due to lack of awareness so don’t listen if they tell you that you don’t need to ask help. You already know what you need, so please seek out professional help. You may find that talking to a therapist is exactly what you need to gain a new perspective, an understanding and to work through things, and you can also always go to or your GP if medication is needed alongside said therapy. Your GP can also refer you to a therapist but remember that waiting lists may be long. Anything is better than feeling down every single day so please don’t feel ashamed that you’re reaching out for help. Talking with someone who has absolutely no emotional connection with your thoughts and actions in life can be honestly life changing and then actions are put into place to help you get to a happier state of mind. I would rather be counselled than live my days in a bubble that won’t burs, what about you?
I hope this post reached you on some level, please get in touch if you have anything to ask or say
I am my problem, but also my solution.